Houses of Ice - VI

[celestos]

Warning: quite a bit of blood/graphic injury in this chapter, also unintentional (on behalf of the characters) misgendering.

 Six peaceful days passed in the house. On the seventh, Rei woke up to a gunshot outside.

She had not known it was a gunshot the moment it happened. It had been sudden and loud, but to her, it had not been any more than a loud bang, something mundane. Perhaps, something had fallen over, or a firework had gone off - but it had alarmed her. Fireworks did not go off alone, and there had been none in the house.

Alarmed, like a rocket, she darted out of bed. It jerked her awake. She almost tripped over as she ran down the stairs.

The back door of the house echoed and slammed.

“Shou? Shou, what the fuck - “

Asuka rushed past, into the kitchen. Judai followed straight after. Rei darted straight after, heart in her throat.

Shou was on his knees - he had fallen, she realised - desperately clutching his arm. His fingers were sticky. Between and above where he was gripping his arm, his jacket had been torn. The sleeve was soaked in blood, turning bottle-green fabric to brown. His hair was a mess, strewn over his shoulders. His hat was missing.

“He - fuck, Asu… he tried to, he shot me…”

Rei almost screamed out.

“He shot you?”

“No - no, he tried to,” Shou gasped out loud, almost crying with pain. “He missed me… I ran, got it on the railings… the wire…”

Asuka turned around. “Judai! Med kit, now! Fast!”

“All right! Hold on!”

He had no time to reply before he was already running, out of the kitchen and past Rei, shoving past her in a rush. Rei heard him apologise, but by then he was gone, most likely to the living room, digging through some of the bags.

Rei stood there, frozen, trying to make sense of the sight; of Shou tumbling face-first to the ground, of Asuka trying to reach out for him, asking him to move his hand to check how deep the gash was, of his blood spurting onto the floor and pooling around.

The wound looked deep. Rei felt her stomach churn, looking away. Her eyes closed, and she saw familiar visions again: more blood, her parents, Marty’s face just before they had grabbed him. They had taken him - pinned him down - and then, Rei had screamed, slamming the door behind her and holding it still, eyes squeezing shut and fighting back tears, hearing the last of her stepbrother crying out, calling and calling -

“Rei!”

She let out a scream, audibly this time.

“Rei, go upstairs. He’ll be all right, you don’t need to see this!”

“I’m fine!” She lied, feeling the sickness in her belly rising and falling again. It was getting worse.

“Rei, I’m serious. We’ll tend to him.”

“Let me help, then!”

“Rei, you - “

“You said I’m one of you, right?”

Teeth gritted, she looked straight at Asuka. Down on her knees, her own hand sticky with Shou’s blood, she looked almost small.

The sigh that came from Asuka’s lips was a weak one, almost as painful as the wound she was trying to tend to. “All right,” she mumbled. “Get some water, but stay back once Judai brings me the med kit.”

Rei complied, grabbing a cup and filling it with water. Looking back, she saw the back door was still open. A thin trail of drops, smudged by Shou’s footprints, marked where he had been, and where he had ended up.

“Should I close the door too?”

“Careful!” Asuka screamed. Rei almost spilled the water. “Be careful. Shut that door if you can, but don’t dare go outside. He’s got a gun out there.”

“Who?”

“I’ll explain later. Just shut the door and don’t go outside.”

Rei nodded. She turned around, heart in her throat, and crept closer to the back door. Through the glass, she could not see anything, nor anyone, but it was that in itself that sent feelings of horror through her. There was no-one around - but there was, and they were hiding, she thought. They were still out there, and they had almost killed Shou.

Why did they shoot him? Who shot? Is someone alive?

There is, Rei realised. We aren’t alone.

For the first time, the thought of not being alone left her far from happy.

Edging closer and closer, she took a breath in. She could see no-one. Gasping, she pushed shut the door. Her hands grasped the key and locked it, twisting and turning more than she needed. She was still in a panic when she checked the handle, and when she was sure it was locked, she turned around again, sighing. Her pulse would not rest.

By that point, Judai was there, down on his knees, getting out what looked to be antiseptic and bandages. Shou was still gasping with pain. His hand was glued to the blood on his arm, and it shook as Asuka gently pried it away.

“Quickly!”

Judai pushed up the torn sleeve, exposing the wound. Under the sleeve, Rei saw, was yet another bandage, a little above most of the blood; unrelated, but frightening still. The gash below made her wince.

“Will - will he be all right?” She shivered, backing away until she hit a counter.

Asuka looked back, her own hands dampening with blood that was not hers. “We’re trying our best. You head on upstairs.”

“Can I help any more?”

“There isn’t much else,” she commanded. “You did your bit. This isn’t pleasant at all. You’re better off not seeing the details.”

“But - "

“He’ll be all right. We’ll fix things.”

Judai’s eyes were as shocked and as scared as her own, but there was hope there, too; a strange kind of hope that Rei knew she did not have. It was almost experience, almost a prophetic knowledge that she did not want to question.

“I…."

“It’s all right. You go upstairs. We’ll fix breakfast once we’re done fixing this.”

“…All right.”

She had not eaten since the night before, and had woken up hungry, but the hunger was gone now. The sight of blood and pain had rid her of all feeling. Her heart was still leaping, as fast as it had been going when she had tried to get out of her house a week prior, when she had walked into one of the turned.

Rei sighed, and excused herself out of the kitchen in silence.

She tried to not think of the blood as she lumbered upstairs. The days before had been peaceful. She had spent them in Asuka’s house, reading her books and trying to make something out of what was otherwise relative quiet. It had not been like living at home. There had been nothing to hide behind locked doors, and nothing to fear in the night - and there had been food, she thought, feeling her stomach rumble.

It had felt different to eat at a table again, with all of the others. Eating out of tins and packets was something her parents would not have approved of - but it was breakfast and dinner together, all the same, and she had let herself think of the past. She had laughed when someone had made small talk while picking at beans, or tossed her a piece of chocolate that they had brought back from the nearby store. They had shared what they could. Asuka had given her another towel, and another blanket when the cold had started getting to her.

The electricity had been shut out for weeks. In the evenings, they had lit up candles and flashlights. Asuka had given out extra blankets, and one more had been added after raiding a store. Winter would come soon, Rei knew. Outside, the leaves were already red, a little bright to be rust and a little light to be blood.

Sighing, she fell down onto the bed - Asuka’s parents’ bed, she reminded herself. Asuka had let her take it, but it would never be hers. The house was Asuka’s. She could not go back to her own.

She had asked her, a few days before, where her parents had gone. Asuka had sighed at the memory, thumbing the frame of a fallen photograph.

The weekend before the outbreak had been their wedding anniversary.

Her eyes drifted up to the ceiling. The sky had been empty completely for more than a month. There had been no planes. Her ears had not caught the sound of helicopters. They were alone, on the ground, and barely alive - all of them, but they were together, and they would live.

It was what she had hoped.

Rei shut her eyes, and thought of Shou bleeding.

She tried to think of other things, but the image kept on coming back. Downstairs, the voices were quieter. She changed into her clothes - the ones she had brought, not Asuka’s, as much as she had appreciated the hospitality - and paced around, trying to think of something more pleasant.

She did not know how long she had been pacing when she heard footsteps, then saw Judai’s face peering from around the doorframe, telling her it was fine to come down.

In silence, she did.

The blood was gone from the floor, just as it had been cleaned away at her house. Shou ate with the rest of them, a little quieter than usual, but still present.

Rei thought of asking Asuka or Judai, or him, about who had fired the shot, but could not find the words.

That day was quiet. Rei felt like a ghost in the house, drifting aimlessly from one room to the next. She had finished one book, and had gone on to another. She scrawled on what paper she had, but her thoughts came to nothing. There was only so much.

She thought of asking Asuka when they would go out, but the sound of the gun ringing clear in her mind stopped her partway. Her feet had led her upstairs, back onto the bed she had taken. There was just too much pain. It felt like too much to even ask about going outside, after the sight of blood and agony that mornings, after who or whatever lay out there had almost killed one of her own.

Hours drifted by, and with it came a return to life. Doors were opening and closing again. Lunch was called for and eaten. She spent more time wandering around through the house, and played a quick paper game with Judai, before he and Asuka had gone to fetch a few more supplies.

They had been scared to head out alone, even if the streets had felt empty outside.

Outside, Rei swallowed as she thought, were probably more than corpses. Outside were the last of the turned, and the one who had fired the gun.

She still did not know who it was, or why they had tried to shoot - to kill Shou.

Shou had not seemed like a bad kind. Asuka and Judai trusted him. He was more terrified sometimes than ever he was terrifying. Even the way he looked; with wide eyes and his hair a mess of fluff around his face, beginning to grow out long enough to trail past his shoulders, he did not seem at all threatening.

Of everyone in the house, Judai was probably the most dangerous-looking. Even he had only looked that way with a knife in his hand. Unarmed and at home, he was usually relaxed, or neck-deep in some kind of venture outside. He and Asuka, or he and Shou usually, would come back with food and supplies. There would be no news of any more death.

Outside seemed quiet - and yet, someone had shot.

Someone was out there.

The house had turned silent, Rei realised. Asuka and Judai were out. If Shou was downstairs, then she could not hear a thing.

Don’t tell me - please, don’t -

Her mind jumped to conclusions. The beat of her heart followed suit, far too quickly.

Had the wound been that bad? Rei squeezed shut her eyes, trying hard to stay hopeful, but the silence was deadly enough.

She had to see it.

Without any more thoughts, she kicked herself up off the bed and left the room. Her footsteps shook as she treaded downstairs, heart beating like a small drum in her chest. The door to the living room was open, as if inviting. She could see sunlight peering out from the room. It seemed to call, like a spotlight, drawing her in.

Rei reached the bottom of the stairs and stayed. Her breaths meshed with the silence. Listening in, she made out more breaths; ones that could not be hers. Shou was in the room, and he was breathing.

He was not dead.

Carefully, she peered in past the door. It gave a small creak.

Shou turned around on the couch, a little surprised but otherwise fine. “Rei?”

Her eyes widened. He did not look too badly beaten, save for his arm. He had changed clothes, too. His torn jacket was gone, replaced by only a simple shirt with his older bandages peering out from under the sleeve, and the newer ones more overt.

“…Can I come in?” She asked, trying to think of how best to speak to him. If he was still shocked, then she knew he had to be left be, but she wanted to know all that had happened, curiosity within her on fire.

“Sure."

It came out a lot calmer than she had expected. Still nervous, Rei came in and sat down on the floor, amidst some cushions that she had left scattered the day before. Her attempts to make a nest had not been successful, but the cushions were soft, and comforting to sit on. Asuka had not minded. She had only smiled in her direction as she had been trying to arrange them.

Uncertainly, she looked up, trying hard to think of the words.

“Shou?”

“Hm?” He turned to face her, looking down a little from his place on the couch.

Rei hesitated. “Are - are you all right? I mean, will you be all right? After - ”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” he sighed, his uninjured arm drifting towards the bandages. Pale fingers drew lines down the layers. “It’s not hurting as bad.”

“What happened to you?”

Too direct, Rei realised. She looked down, trying hard not to blush. If Shou did not want to answer, then it was her own fault. The wounds were still fresh.

The way he looked back - and she saw, looking up slowly - made her think that he understood. Softly, he cleared his throat, but it did not help much. When he finally spoke, his voice was deeper than usual - quieter, as if keeping a secret hushed.

The walls did not echo. They were alone in the house, but there was no need to be loud.

“This morning?”

“Yes.”

“Ah, well… there’s this guy we’ve been seeing a while now. He’s from around here, and we ran into him before. He doesn’t want to stay with us,” he sighed. The weight of the incident still heaved on his chest. “He… he doesn’t like us.”

“Why? Isn’t it best if we stay together? Like… like Asuka said?”

“…I don’t think he’s forgiven us.”

Rei stared back, eyes wide. “Why? What happened?”

Shou let out a sigh, as if debating whether to speak. His hands came a little closer to one another, needing to fidget. “We… we broke into his house.”

“…What?”

“We - we thought he’d turned. We heard sounds, and - and that’s why we broke in, we thought we’d check things, and he was alive.”

“But - but Judai said you guys didn’t go into places - “

“We try not to.” The look in Shou’s eyes did not look quite honest, but as he sighed again, thinking back to the memory, Rei tried to relax. “That was a while back, but… he still doesn’t like us. And we didn’t think he had a gun.”

The word itself felt like a bullet. Rei had never seen anyone wielding a gun outside. It terrified her. Someone out there had the power to kill instantaneously, without so much as a regret - without the sight of blood, or the feeling of hot blood and warm flesh -

Marty, she thought again, Marty…

“But why? I mean… was that why he shot you?”

“Probably,” Shou shook his head. “I don’t know why he hates us that much. He saw me this morning and shouted at me. Then he got the gun and shot. Or tried to. He missed. This is all from one of the fences down the road. I ran too close, and it cut me.”

The image was still far from pleasant. How deep the cut was, Rei was not certain. She had not seen enough, and did not want to see the bloody gash again.

Her gaze moved up, towards the start of Shou’s sleeve, where a different set of bandages peeked out. She had seen them before, that same morning, but not on any of the days before that. In the week since she had met Shou, she had never seen him with short sleeves, or in tight clothes of any kind. Only that morning had she glimpsed something on his arm, above his new wound.

He had been injured before.

“Is that how you got the other one on your arm?”

Shou looked surprised for a moment. “Where?”

“There was a thing,” Rei gestured on her own arm. “There. Just above.”

Carefully, Shou mirrored her actions. His free hand pulled up the sleeve, then moved gently towards the other set of bandages, as if checking whatever was beneath them for any improvement.

“…Oh? That?”

Seeing her stare so intensely, he pulled the sleeve back down. “I… that wasn’t from that. I… I cut myself. By mistake. A while back.”

“Oh.”

“It’s all right now, it was a little while back…”

Rei could only hope it did not hurt. Looking at it, something had made her feel a little uneasy. Shou had been a little too fretful for her to be certain that he was not lying.

If he did not want to show her, then she could not make him. There was not much that she knew about Shou. He had always been there, but rarely had the two of them been like they were at that moment, alone. Now, she had the time to ask whatever she wanted. Judai and Asuka were out.

She was curious, still.

“Shou? Can I… ask you something?” Rei hesitated. Her head was full of questions, and all of them threatened to spill out at once.

He turned onto one side, towards her, still on the couch. “What is it?”

“Are you… really eighteen?”

It felt a little rude to ask, but she could not restrain herself. She had mistaken him for a girl at first sight. Asuka and Judai had always called him a ‘he’, and Rei did not question it, but he looked young for eighteen.

“Huh? Yeah. I am… I mean, why? What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Rei shook her head, trying to not sound embarrassed. “It’s just… when we first met, I… I thought you were a girl, and then, when you weren’t, I thought you were my age.”

The room filled with silence. Shou’s gaze flickered from side to side, down and back to Rei again, as if trying to think. His hands came together, fingers needing to touch one another for comfort. It felt awkward, Rei realised. She had probably asked him something uncomfortable, she realised in shame.

He spoke up in the midst of the silence, quieter than before. “…Is it because of how I look?”

“Yes - I mean, kind of… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to - “

“It’s fine.” He let out a sigh, shaking his head. The look in his eyes was one of distress, and Rei sat straight up, wishing she was brave enough to stand up and comfort him.

In that instant, she regretted saying any of it.

“Shou?"

He waved a hand, as if to push it aside. “I get that a lot. Well, I used to, anyway. Not with Judai and Asuka.”

“Oh, right,” Rei mumbled. She did not know what to say next.

“Don’t worry,” he continued, looking up again. His tone still seemed a little upset, but he continued all the same. “I mean, back at school, it was worse. My family kind of… didn’t get me for a long time, either. I was kind of scared to talk to them, too. And Ryou, I guess.”

The name was brand new. “Ryou?”

“My brother.”

“You have a brother?” Rei exclaimed, immediately thinking of Asuka.

“Yeah. He’s two years older than me. Same age as Asuka’s brother. She told you about him, right?” Rei nodded, and Shou continued. “My brother’s at university, but… we still see each other a lot. Well, we used to, anyway.”

“What’s he like?”

Still curious - now more than ever - she took one of the cushions and scooted over, a little closer to the couch. She thought of asking him to move so she could sit on it, too, but decided against it, eyes still drifting to stare at the bandages, thoughts full of the sight of blood from the horror of the morning.

Shou did not object. His eyes welcomed her closer, far from the sorrowful look he had worn only moments ago when she had doubted him. Once she was closer, and more comfortable, he continued.

“My brother? He’s intimidating - well, sometimes. He never shouted at me. He was just kind of… distant, but he was nice,” he recalled, smiling faintly at the memories. “He got me this, too.”

His uninjured arm dipped, reaching into the pocket of his jeans. Rei could not see much - not with the pocket being on the side furthest from her - but her eyes widened as she saw what he took out. It was small; silvery, shiny, no bigger than a cigarette lighter, and with a quick flick and the flash of a blade, Rei realised she was looking at a well-made Swiss Army knife.

Her heart thrummed at the sight of the knife, and relaxed when Shou clicked it back into place again. “That’s… pretty nice.”

“I guess it reminds me of him. “ Shou held it tight in his hand, blue hilt gleaming between light-coloured fingers. His eyes were transfixed, full of longing and pride. “He gave it to me. He said he was going to save it for my birthday, but… after what happened, he said it was better if I took it before.”

“Oh,” Rei exclaimed. “When is your birthday?”

“25th of September. That’s like… two weeks ago.”

Rei’s own birthday had been in the middle of summer, in the sweltering heat. She had turned thirteen then, and she had been innocent.

“I… I’m sorry,” she said, thinking back to her happiness, and the misery Shou had probably gone through.

“It’s all right,” he shook his head. “It’s not your fault, anyway.”

For once, Rei was certain she was not to blame, but it hurt all the same. It hurt to think back to happiness, when all of it was long gone. She would not be happy like she had been ever again, and neither would Shou. Her family, her friends, and all that she had was gone. The house had brought her some happiness after being alone, but it was not the same. No matter how many more birthdays any of them would see, none of them would be like they had been before the end of the world.

It hurt. Suddenly, the silver peeking out from the hilt of Shou’s knife seemed to call.

“Your brother,” Rei said, forcing aside the thought. “You said he gave you the knife. Was that before…?”

Shou shook his head. Rei swallowed. “No. After it happened.” He let out a sigh, and Rei understood immediately what he had meant. “My dad and brother survived, and my mother turned. Then… only Ryou and I got out alive.”

“Is Ryou still…”

“I don’t know. I don’t.”

The sound of it made Rei’s blood chill. She had not seen anyone other than Shou, Asuka or Judai around the house. For a moment, she thought of Marty again, before turning back to Shou and continuing to listen, seeing that he had not finished.

She heard the sound of him shifting around on the couch, and looked up. Shou had sat up, and swung his legs over, down to the floor. His hand guided her to the free seat on the couch. Rei obeyed. She took the place next to him, and leaned back.

Moving onto the couch, she admitted, felt a lot better.

“We were on our own,” he continued, “and he… he said to me that he was going to go out and find food. If he didn’t come back by morning, he told me to go on without him.”

Ryou was not at the house. The story had ended, Rei realised. Ryou was dead, just like Marty was, and her parents - and Shou’s parents, too, she thought. All of them were gone. Asuka’s parents had not come back, either. They were alone in the house - and alone for good, she concluded. There would be no more company coming to stay. All that was out there was the wandering man with the gun, and countless turned and half-eaten corpses locked up in their own prisons; their own icy-cold houses.

There was no way out. There was no hope for any of them.

“I’m sorry,” Rei repeated again. The thought weighed down on her chest like dark lead.

“Yeah,” Shou sighed. “I just don’t know. I mean, I met Judai a few days after I lost him. Then Asuka. I wouldn’t have met them if I hadn’t left. But… I don’t know. I wanted to stay. To carry on waiting.”

“But if he - “

“That’s the thing, Rei. I… I don’t know why, but I just have this feeling.”

He looked up for an instant, his hair spilling down past his shoulders, fringe falling into his eyes and concealing the tell-tale shine of oncoming tears.

“I have this feeling. I think my brother’s alive. It just… I don’t know. I mean, he never came back, but… I just think… I just think he’s still alive, and he’s out there.” His hands clutched at his knife. One lone finger, sporting a cut, traced down the silver and blue of the handle. “And… that’s why this is important to me.”

Rei had no such thing. There were small things that she had brought from her house: a notebook, something to read, her clothes and the baseball bat she had taken out with her, but they were trivial things. Her old photographs were still there, lying on the floor of her room. Her phone was buried somewhere in the mess. Her old bears were discarded; here, there and everywhere.

Shou continued, as if mourning, but not quite believing. “It reminds me of him, and I know that he’s out there. And one day, no matter what, I know I’ll find him again. Even if he isn’t alive any more. I just want to believe. Ryou wouldn’t die so easily. I just… I just want to see him…”

His voice broke into sobs. Rei tried to lean in. Shou stopped her with his palm.

“It’s… it’s all right,” she tried to say. If he did not want to be touched, then she would leave him be, but it hurt to say nothing. He was as helpless as she had been in her house; just as broken, just as lost, even with the living around and shelter away from the dead.

“Yeah. I guess. I just wish I was a little stronger. I want to get out there and find him. I… there’s so much I still want to do. I want to go out there again. I… I don’t want anyone to think I’m weak.”

He looked back at her, one hand roughly swiping at the drops in his eyes.

Rei shook her head. “You’re not.”

“Still, it’s up to us to protect you. You’re younger than us, and I’m older. I’ve got to do my part.”

“I’m not weak,” Rei insisted, trying to look brave with her shoulders back. “ You know, I did taekwondo.”

“Really?” Shou looked over, bemused.

“Yup. Blue belt.”

He looked impressed for a moment. “Still,” he heaved, “you can’t put yourself in the firing line.”

If it was a joke, then she did not laugh.

The pressure of a familiar hand on her shoulder pressed down, not harshly enough to hurt, but it felt strange nonetheless. Turning back, she met concerned eyes, and the feeling of fear deep down in Shou’s chest, that pooled in the murky depths of Shou’s eyes. For a moment, there was nothing but silence as he searched for the words, but could not put them together, biting his lip in thought as his hold on her tightened.

He shook his head at her, and his other hand joined the first on her shoulders.

“Still, you know it’s dangerous out there. I went out on my own, and I shouldn’t have. We don’t usually go out on our own, and we’re older. It’s dangerous,” he almost pleaded at her, eyes meeting eyes and staring deeper and deeper.

Rei gave a shiver at the look, but fought to shake off the hints of her doubt. “Are you guys worried about me?”

Shou nodded, hands staying firm and looking straight. Something in his eyes told her he did not want to break away, even as his grip loosened, realising that he had probably hurt her.

“Yes,” he stated, giving an honest nod as he repeated it. “Yes, we are. I know it sounds cruel, but you’re still a kid. You don’t need to put yourself in harm’s way for us. We’re supposed to be the adults here.”

“I don’t need adults.”

Adults. People. Memories flooded her mind in an instant. In the back of her head, and as she closed her eyes for a second, trying to fight it away, the onslaught of thoughts came in a stream. She was on the floor in the kitchen again, the ice of the floor freezing clothed feet, hands sweating as she clenched the bat in her hands. Her fingers would not listen.

Her head spun with sickness. There were sounds, growing louder and louder the harder she tried to get it out of her brain. She could hear groaning and ripping. The slam of a door rang in her ears, then shouting. She could not think, or see straight - the world in her head was suddenly shaking and beating, scratching at her like something from a nightmare - voices were calling, and ones she remembered - and Marty was screaming…

“Rei?”

Shou’s voice startled her. The visions went black. For a moment, Rei could not focus at all - not on what was in front of her, not even the feeling of Shou holding her. She did not feel how heavily she had started to breathe - not until she noticed Shou leaning forward, his hold having changed to support her, both hands lowered from her shoulders to her upper arms.

“I’m fine,” she breathed out, shaking her head. “I just…”

He leaned in a little more, looking her in the eyes again as she forced herself to look up. The look that met her, staring right back, was not one of inexperience.

“Bad memories?”

Rei shook her head, but his hands were still there.

“I don’t need adults,” she spat, regretting the words as they spilled, but they could not be taken back, and she knew it. The bitterness in her mouth seemed to move to her eyes, stabbing into the corners.

“I don’t need them. I had Mom and Dad.”

Liar.

“Marty,” she mumbled. “I had Marty. And I let him die.”

This time, she was the weak one. She could feel herself on the verge of collapse as she fell into Shou’s arms. His heart thrummed against her own as she almost fell. The thoughts were too much, too frequent; the voice in her head growing back into a whisper. She could feel it telling her to die. She could hear it in detail, even as Shou tried to whisper to her, tried to hold back her head and run his hand through her hair.

It was not enough.

None of it was, and Rei let herself cry.

She hated herself as she did, knowing that Shou was likely uncomfortable, and that it probably hurt his arm to lean on it too much, or for him to raise it up as he did to hug her. He did not complain, and it hurt to think of what he had to be hiding within. What Shou had seen was different from what she had witnessed on the day she had let Marty die, but in the embrace, he felt almost like kin.

For a moment, through tears as she cried, Rei thought she saw the same guilty blood on his hands.

Her hands were clean, as were his. They were not who they had been, but they had seen death, both of them. Both has lost their parents to the virus. Ryou was dead, and she knew it - and she was sure at that moment that it was the truth, and Shou knew it too.

Still, she took in the relief, and she cried. Shou continued to whisper.

“Stay strong. You’ll be all right. We’re with you. All of us are. I promise we’ll stay.”

Hearing it was one thing, but believing another. It felt too difficult, as much as she wanted to think that all would be fine. It hurt to believe. It hurt to deny. It hurt to think at all. Hope was gone, and all that was left was to cry.

“We care. You’re one of us. You’re like family.”

She could not tell which was him and which were her thoughts.

By the time she heard the click of the door and the calling of voices, she had lost the strength to keep crying. She was tired. The voice in her mind was tired, too, no longer shouting or even whispering. She could feel nothing, save for Shou still trying to comfort her.

She could barely move. Knowing Asuka and Judai had come in, and were probably staring, meant little. All of her hurt and ached; beyond her raw throat and clinging hands, beyond the sound of her confessing, over and over, that she had let Marty die.

I killed him, didn’t I?

She had not been enough.

As the silence finally came back after what felt like hours, she was on the verge of collapse. How long had passed, she could not tell. She was exhausted. Her throat was raw. The ache spread.

After what felt like hours, Rei finally excused herself. By then, Judai and Asuka had left the room, and Shou was looking more and more tired himself. Trying not to startle him, she lifted herself from Shou’s hold, and the gravity of the couch, and heaved herself upstairs.

The sight of the bed alone was bliss. She fell back, embracing a pillow.

Even though it felt odd to have cried - to have let herself cry, leaning against the warmth of Shou’s chest, sobbing into his clothes - it had brought with it a kind of relief. Her chest felt less heavy. Her lungs were more free to breathe. She took a breath in, then out again, eyes staring up at the ceiling. Nothing was there. It felt good.

The clock in the room was still busted, but she could hear distant ticking. Her mouth was dry. The longer she lay on the bed, the worse the soreness seemed.

Water, she thought.

Quickly, Rei sat up and began to make her way downstairs.

The stairs creaked, as they always did. Rei tiptoed down, hoping nobody would hear. There was no shame in going to get water, but she did not want to disturb anyone. Shou had already been exhausted when she had gone upstairs to rest. If he was asleep, then she did not want to wake him.

The door to the kitchen was ajar, and Rei went in freely. Trying not to spill a drop, she poured herself some water from a nearby bottle. Tap water, Asuka had said, was still an option. What still came out of the taps looked clear, and none of them had gotten sick from it. Still, she had told her: bottled water was safer, and Rei had stuck to it.

She took a plentiful sip, then poured herself more.

The glass slipped around in her hand. A few sloppy drops had made their way over the rim. Holding it tighter, Rei put the bottle back.

As it came down onto the counter with a small thunk, Rei made out voices. They were faint, too faint for her to make out words individually, but she recognised them both.

I… I shouldn’t listen. But…

She could still recall Shou fidgeting as he told her about the man with the gun. They had broken into a house. They had denied it once, but Shou had admitted the truth, and it made her a little uneasy. Asuka did not seem like a liar - but there was something not right. Whatever it was, it was refusing to leave. It twisted into her curiosity, and made her creep up to the doorframe, hoping nobody would notice as one eye peered in.

“You mind if I…”

“No, sit down.”

The slit between door and frame was not large, but she could see just enough. Shou was still on the sofa, right hand resting on the bandages of his arm. Asuka had sat down by his side.

Swallowing silently, the glass still in her hand, Rei listened.

Asuka’s voice was the first to break the small silence. “I know this might sound weird, but what were you doing outside? I mean, on your own?”

“I…"

“Were you trying to break into somewhere?”

Break in, Rei remembered. Not again. Did they lie? Why would they break into anywhere? To look for others like me, or for -

“No. Not that, just the store.”

“Did you need to get something?”

He hesitated. It was as if he had something in his throat: Rei heard him groan, then try to say something, failing and shaking his head.

“Yeah. I just… I just didn’t want to have to ask for… you know, something…”

“You can ask me. It’s our house, not just mine.”

“Yeah, but…” He sighed, head sinking into his hands in a flush. For a second, Rei thought he was crying, but he looked up quickly enough for her to see otherwise. There was only discomfort, and a lot of embarrassment, and Asuka’s hand coming a little closer to his. “It’s awkward, and… and listen, I hate it, I hate this so much…”

Asuka moved herself closer. He didn’t edge away, sighing into the support instead.

“I understand,” she said gently. “Well, I… I don’t, but you can tell us. We’re not here to judge.”

“…Listen, do you have any tampons, or something?”

It was far from what Rei had expected.

As soon as he said it, Shou’s face was back in his hands again, desperate to conceal his embarrassment. Asuka stayed. Gently, her hand moved in small circles on his back, trying to comfort.

“Hey. It’s all right.”

“It’s not. I just… it just feels so wrong. I don’t want to keep asking, but I have to. I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t ask for it, either. You need them now?”

“No, I just thought I would, like maybe in a few days would be nice - “

“I’ll go get some. There’s spare ones in the bathroom. Take all of them if you like. I’ll get more next time.”

“You… you’re serious?”

“Take as much as you need. We’ve got painkillers if you need them, and… well, we can get chocolate, too, if you like. I’ll make sure Judai doesn’t eat it.”

“Asuka…”

“What?”

Wordlessly, his arms reached around her. Asuka’s eyes widened just for a moment, before she leaned into the hug. Her hand caressed down Shou’s back, and he relaxed into her, sighing with relief, and such happiness that Rei wondered how she had taken something so simple for granted.

The house was not much, but all that was in it was shared. They had come out of nothing, but they had gained something. She had company, and reassurance, and maybe, she thought, still staring out at Asuka and Shou from the slit of the open door, a little comfort, and care, and the love she had lost when her parents had turned, and when they had finally died. The sight of the two filled her with warmth. The voice deep inside was perfectly silent, just for a while - and Rei knew that if she stared any longer, she would most likely start crying.

She would not cry, but she would go to bed sighing with relief. She would sleep comfortably in a warm, blanketed bed. She would wake up the next morning, and for a few more mornings after, happier than she had been for a while.

She was not alone.